My 3 year old son started playschool last week. Well he started AGAIN I should say. The previous few weeks he either wouldn't go in or would only go in for 10 minutes. He was right of course. He knew no-one, had only been there once before, and has spent 95% of his waking and sleeping hours with his mum, how could he feel safe going in? We honoured his objections of course, encouraging him to honour his "inner no" if he felt unsafe and his "inner yes" if he felt scared but excited enough to try. He knew the difference. We took a break for a few weeks but invited him to consider the good things he may experience if he tried it out. We helped him trust himself or, rather, made sure we didn't make him not trust himself. And sure enough last week on visit number 5 he went in after5 minutes or so (when he arrived at "zero shy") and stayed for 2.5 hours, just like that. Since then hes gone every day for the full 3 hours. Because he feels safe enough to go. Because we respected his sovereignty. He was scared to leave me but once he decided he wanted to, and he felt safe enough to, he took the teachers hand and off he went and didn't look back once. I think it's the proudest moment of my life. He felt secure enough to go, under his own steam, free from duress, confident that I'd be there when he returned. I share this because the Nested Pathway has helped with this (I tell anyone that will listen about the magic of breastfeeding, and raising a child in safety and connection). And so did my wife. Encouraging me to listen, to hear my son, to respond with respect and understanding. And to focus on meeting his needs, not neccesarily his wants - and certainly not my wants. And as I honour his sovereignty something starts healing backwardsin me and perhaps beyond. It's quite beautiful.
Such a marvelous illustration of honoring sovereignty and also of the impact of relational attunement on personal healing! I'm so glad your wrote. What responsive nurturing you are modeling. Your son is blessed.
Thank you, Darcia, for leaving me deep in thought after reading your articles, on repeat. I used to agree with you from the perspective of someone trying to live differently, raising my child in a more natural way, and believing I understood humanity better than others.
In this article, however, I found myself in the undercared group. I have to “artificially” create a group of people around me, instead of naturally forming connections. The sentence about not following a script could be my life motto, my expectations are so high.
I know there are many different factors and reasons, but I keep wondering what my inner life would look like if I had been raised in a nested environment…
My 3 year old son started playschool last week. Well he started AGAIN I should say. The previous few weeks he either wouldn't go in or would only go in for 10 minutes. He was right of course. He knew no-one, had only been there once before, and has spent 95% of his waking and sleeping hours with his mum, how could he feel safe going in? We honoured his objections of course, encouraging him to honour his "inner no" if he felt unsafe and his "inner yes" if he felt scared but excited enough to try. He knew the difference. We took a break for a few weeks but invited him to consider the good things he may experience if he tried it out. We helped him trust himself or, rather, made sure we didn't make him not trust himself. And sure enough last week on visit number 5 he went in after5 minutes or so (when he arrived at "zero shy") and stayed for 2.5 hours, just like that. Since then hes gone every day for the full 3 hours. Because he feels safe enough to go. Because we respected his sovereignty. He was scared to leave me but once he decided he wanted to, and he felt safe enough to, he took the teachers hand and off he went and didn't look back once. I think it's the proudest moment of my life. He felt secure enough to go, under his own steam, free from duress, confident that I'd be there when he returned. I share this because the Nested Pathway has helped with this (I tell anyone that will listen about the magic of breastfeeding, and raising a child in safety and connection). And so did my wife. Encouraging me to listen, to hear my son, to respond with respect and understanding. And to focus on meeting his needs, not neccesarily his wants - and certainly not my wants. And as I honour his sovereignty something starts healing backwardsin me and perhaps beyond. It's quite beautiful.
Such a marvelous illustration of honoring sovereignty and also of the impact of relational attunement on personal healing! I'm so glad your wrote. What responsive nurturing you are modeling. Your son is blessed.
Such a powerful reminder that we are shaped by the love and presence around us. True freedom begins with being deeply accompanied.
Yes, nihilism is rampant in our culture, and I am trying to understand it. See my book review essay on Wendy Brown's Nihilistic Times and Jonathan Foiles's Reading Arendt in the Waiting Room: https://michaelalandover.substack.com/p/bearing-our-inner-burden-in-the-face
Thank you, Darcia, for leaving me deep in thought after reading your articles, on repeat. I used to agree with you from the perspective of someone trying to live differently, raising my child in a more natural way, and believing I understood humanity better than others.
In this article, however, I found myself in the undercared group. I have to “artificially” create a group of people around me, instead of naturally forming connections. The sentence about not following a script could be my life motto, my expectations are so high.
I know there are many different factors and reasons, but I keep wondering what my inner life would look like if I had been raised in a nested environment…
Many of us are wondering the same thing!! Keep on building your nest.